Opposites Attract.

Erin: You need to relax. Stop being so Baptist.
Richard: I can't. I can't do it.
E: Think how much easier your life would be if you just let your inner David Lee Roth out.
R: I can't do it.
E: Come on. Just give me a little scream.
R: I can't do it.
E: Just one little scream. HEEEEEY YEAH!
R: I can't do it.
E: So I guess if you were in a band, you'd be the kind of guy who'd be the drummer--not really a "front man" kind of guy?
R: Um...maybe.
E: The bass player?
R: No. Too animated.
E: Backup guitar?
R: Yeah, maybe. I'm not sure, though.
E: Who, then?
R: The bus driver.
E: We are SO different.
R: Uh, YEAH.

Santa and Jesus

Erin: It's fun to talk about Santa, isn't it?
Shirley: YEAH!
E: Does Santa bring toys to good or bad children?
SJ: Only GOOD kids.
E: What happens if you are naughty?
SJ: [silence.]
E: Do naughty kids get toys?
SJ: Nooooo.
E: You know what's special about Jesus?
SJ: He's REAL!
E: Yeah! He's real! And you know what else? You don't have to be good to receive his gifts! Jesus gives his gift to anyone who wants it.
SJ: Ok, Mom.

-a few minutes later-

SJ: Mom? What about reindeer?

The Passive Aggressive Shopper.

Erin: Plastic bags for you today?
The Passive Aggressive Shopper: I guess.
Erin: Are you sure?
The Passive Aggressive Shopper: It's fine. Whatever.

I can not express how frequently this conversation occurs.

MNF

Erin: There's football tonight? I thought Monday Night Football started later in the season.
Richard: Yeah. It starts a day later.

Oopsies.

Richard [proudly surveying his newly cleaned-out refrigerator]: It's nice to know exactly what we have in the fridge.
Erin: I know exactly what we have in the fridge. If you did the grocery shopping, you would, too.
Richard: Oh, yeah? Then no more shredded cheese.

New Computer

Richard: You should take the plastic off the cover.
Erin: No!
R: Are you gonna take the stickers off?
E: No!
R: Can I open the battery?
E: No!
R: Why?
E: Then it's not new anymore!
R: You're crazy.
E: Why don't you just sneeze on it and break it in.

I'm a heavy.

Sometimes when one of us has a headache, it feels really good to have the other lift straight up on our heads to relieve some of the strain in the neck. I'm sure we are a chiropractic nightmare, but, hey. It helps. Last night, I asked Richard to do this for me.
Richard, lifting: Grunt, strain, grunt.
Erin: The human head is heavy, isn't it?
Richard: Well, actually, I think it's all the other stuff attached to the head that makes it heavy.
Erin: Are you calling me fat?
Richard: I, uh...um, wait. Ah. Um. Oh, I uh... What?

Food for thought.

Dieting via text message.

Lauren: I don't want to go to the gym.
Erin: You should go. I want to lose two pounds this week. I'm on drive thru lockdown.
Lauren: What if you run through the drive thru?
Erin: See you there at 5:30.
Lauren: K.

Another VERY close call.

Erin: Shirley, do you want fish sticks for dinner?
Shirley [looks at Fishmael]: What?! Mama, Fishmael is not a stick! You silly goofy.
Erin [sweating bullets]: Chicken, then! Let's have chicken.

And then I broke out in cold sweat.

Shirley: Daddy, I can have more chicken?
Richard: Sure, but this isn't chicken. This is...
Erin: Don't do it.
Rich: ...PIG!
SJ: What?
Erin: Nooooo...not tonight.
SJ: Daddy! This is meat.
Rich: No, it's pig.
Erin: Richard! Stop it! NOT. TONIGHT.
SJ: Daddy, stop. You silly.
Rich: Ok, Shirley, you're right. It's chicken.
SJ: No, Daddy. There's no animals. This is meat!
Erin: Yes! It's meat.
Rich: It's meat.
SJ: Yummmmmy. I can have dip?

Are you ready for some football?

At lunch today with a friend, I was waiting my turn in line listening to two men talk about the Super Bowl.
An older man turned to me and said, "I am not a sports fan. I don't even know what they're talking about!"
I said, "Oh, man. I'm sorry. You don't even speak the language, do you?"
He laughed and agreed with me. He listened to the men again for a second and said, "Every year it surprises me that this REALLY means something to some people."
I didn't know what to say...on the one hand, I wanted to appear empathetic, but at the same time...it means something to me. Now, I'm not saying the outcome of the Super Bowl has a whole lot of impact on my life, but I do care!
Who woulda thunk it?