Thursday, February 21, 2008

Mystery Solved: Space Eels

Well, friends and brethren. Have I got a story for you.
A little background:
I've been waking up with a bloody nose quite frequently lately. I just chalked it up to the fact that the climate is so dry right now, and my pregnancy (did you know that your blood volume increases by 50% while you're pregnant?!). SO...the bloody noses are annoying and frequent, but I can deal.
WELL.
Last night the BANGING and POPPING were back, coming from the roof.
Thankfully, Richard was home, so I woke him up and made him crawl into the attic. (It's amazing what a pregnant girl can get her husband to do!)
You will not believe what he found up there.
My Troublesome Co-Worker!!
Turns out, Trouble has been hiding out in our attic and sending down NOT Space Eels, but robotic nose worms to burrow into my schnoz at night and record data about my pregnancy, which is sent directly to him via email. Apparently he's gotten pretty desperate since I told him to get lost (I never reported to you, gentle readers, but I told him to get lost about 2 weeks ago). The banging and popping was coming from the worms themselves. Apparently, unless they are well contained (which. they. weren't.), they make all kinds of crazy noises and jump around like jumping beans...until they are sent on mission. They can be as quiet as...worms...when they are sent for a particular nose.
Richard popped open a can of spinach, and you can guess what happened next. (HUCK-ga-ga-ga-ga.)
As Rich was kicking some Co-Worker butt, I was able to get some things off my chest. With each blow, I said:
"Figure out how to change the paper in the copier yourself!"
"I never, EVER want to hear the word 'episiotomy' from you again!"
"Stop keeping track of how many caffeinated beverages I drink, you weirdo!"
"No, I don't want your kid's exer-saucer! Or potty-training manual! Or your wife's breast pump!"
"I never, EVER want to hear the words, 'breast pump' from you again!"
"For the last time, MY NUMBER ONE PET PEEVE IS WHEN PEOPLE COMMENT ON WHAT I AM EATING! Shut! Your! Mouth!"
"And get out of my attic, you freak."

Man, what a night.





You can't make this shit up.
Oh, wait.

11 comments:

angie said...

this explains everything!

Jon said...

Space Eels are serious business

Kristin said...

Nose probing worms. Hmmm. Now the world knows.

Katie R. said...

Erin...I'm at a loss for words. I guess I'm just glad you told the guy to get lost. Sorry about the worms.

erin said...

Kristin, don't you mean "Now the world NOSE?"

Jodi said...

Ok, I know the books say it's normal to have vivid dreams at this stage of pregnancy-but that's a bit too vivid. I bet you were hovering in the corner during breaks in typing that.

kristi noser said...

I can just see Rich and his huge forearms smacking TCW to outer space.
Time for that anchor tattoo now.

Swampy-Rah said...

You crack me up.

Kristin said...

Erin, now you've frightened your cousin Miranda. She's afraid someone's going to probe her nose. Do we share too much in our blogs sometimes? Stop the insanity!

verification: pmflamg

Jolene said...

GO RICHARD!! What a good Knight in Shining Armor he is! :)

Jenny said...

That totally explains it!

It doesn't explain my bloody noses the last few weeks of pregnancy, but I had them too. Sucked!