Secret Confession: A Season?

I confess, being a mother of two children has proven nearly as difficult as I feared during my pregnancy. I am pleased to say that it is not AS difficult as I thought it would be, but close.
Lately I've really struggled with the drudgery and thanklessness of caring for two children's seemingly endless needs. In my heart I complain and long for time to myself. I SO look forward to my moments of "freedom," when I can leave the house sans children and fully expect to come home feeling refreshed and more able to cope with the demands of my new life. Usually my refreshed feeling lasts about fifteen minutes until I'm getting pulled in ten different directions and quickly become overwhelmed. I often feel like I am just barely keeping my head above water in the giant Lake of Too Much (just north of the the bustling city of Overwhelmington--in Canada).
I think that's just how it's going to be for a little while. Emphasis on little. I know this is just a season and that I am serving God by seeking to raise my children in his ways even when I don't think I can deal with potty training or colic or 5am feedings or discipline for ONE. MORE. MINUTE.
Oswald Chambers says this on the matter:
No one is born either naturally or supernaturally with character; it must be developed. Nor are we born with habits— we have to form godly habits on the basis of the new life God has placed within us. We are not meant to be seen as God’s perfect, bright-shining examples, but to be seen as the everyday essence of ordinary life exhibiting the miracle of His grace. Drudgery is the test of genuine character. The greatest hindrance in our spiritual life is that we will only look for big things to do. Yet, “Jesus . . . took a towel and . . . began to wash the disciples’ feet . . .” ( John 13:3-5).
We all have those times when there are no flashes of light and no apparent thrill to life, where we experience nothing but the daily routine with its common everyday tasks. The routine of life is actually God’s way of saving us between our times of great inspiration which come from Him. Don’t always expect God to give you His thrilling moments, but learn to live in those common times of the drudgery of life by the power of God.

If I hope to raise Fishers of Men, I guess I shouldn't complain (whether outwardly or inwardly) about washing my children's feet. I'm not going to get it all right. I know that. But I AM committed to doing my best at loving my children and husband in a godly way...I guess sometimes I just need to remind myself of the ultimate goal.

I wish I had greener thumbs. If I did, I would say, "I like begonias. They're so complicated." If I was a flower, I would be a begonia.

"(23) May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. (24) The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." -1 Thes 5:23-24

The mystery of sanctification is that the perfect qualities of Jesus Christ are imparted as a gift to me, not gradually, but instantly once I enter by faith into the realization that He "became for [me] . . . sanctification . . . ." Sanctification means nothing less than the holiness of Jesus becoming mine and being exhibited in my life. (Chambers.)

Noble Character

I was trying to look something up on eBible.com when I came across The Wife of Noble Character.

Proverbs 31:15 reads:

"She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls."
This verse has always been a source of spiritual consternation for me. I am not that woman, and it bothers me. Don't get me wrong. I work hard at being a good wife and mother, but I often wonder if I'm working hard enough, if I could be working harder.

I was mentally debating whether to commit this issue to God or not (read: Do I want to work on this or ignore it for as long as I can and only address the issue when it becomes absolutely necessary?) and decided to click on over to my old buddy Mr. Chambers.

The first line of today's devotion reads, "A [Christian] is not to take the initiative toward self-realization, but toward knowing Jesus Christ."

Self-serving? Perhaps. But it was a nice reminder of what my FIRST priority is, and, better yet, how God sees me mired in all my imperfections, through the loving eyes of a father. This is, quite possibly, the closest I have come to understanding who I am in Christ in a very long time.

I am a work in progress.

When God changes you through regeneration, giving you new life
through spiritual rebirth, your life initially has the characteristic of being maimed. There are a hundred and one things that you dare not do— things that would be sin for you, and would be recognized as sin by those who really know you. But the unspiritual people around you will say, "What’s so wrong with doing that? How absurd you are!" There has never yet been a saint who has not lived a maimed life initially. Yet it is better to enter into life maimed but lovely in
God’s sight than to appear lovely to man’s eyes but lame to God’s.

-Oswald Chambers

Fear (and a little Loathing)

It's pretty well known that Satan will attack us where he knows we are weakest, right?
For some reason, my weakenesses are almost always fear-based.
If I get really angry, sad, let myself be overcome with worry, or fall down in general, I can usually trace my failure back to some root fear that I cannot EVER seem to escape.
Well, without going into the gory details, I have been having some very serious issues with emotionally paralyzing fear. You know the kind? The kind that stops you mid-breath and makes you question whether or not you can continue INHALING?
Well, until about an hour ago, Satan had me so confused by fear that once I got over one particular fear (or so I thought), he had another one waiting for me on the other side of the bathroom door. Literally.
I prayed and cried with Richard about it, and then came upstairs to check the blogs and read My Utmost for His Highest.
Once again, Chambers (http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php) proves to be proufound. (Thank you, God for using this man's writing so eloquently in my life.)
Chambers writes,
"I [...] have to build my thinking patiently to bring it into perfect harmony with my Lord. God will not make me think like Jesus— I have to do it myself. I have to bring 'every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ' (2 Corinthians 10:5). 'Abide in Me'— in intellectual matters, in money matters, in every one of the matters that make human life what it is."
Oh, there is so much to talk about here!
The most important part to me, tonight at 1:36am?
I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN FEARFUL THOUGHTS!!
I can ask God to help me remove specific images from my mind, but it's MY responsibility, not HIS, to focus on Godly things. This, to me, means that I need to trust God in the areas that I worry about (hel-LO! Aren't fear and WORRY essentially one in the same??)
Is focusing on my fear Godly?
2 Chorinthians 10:5 in its entirety says, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (ebible.com)
Now look at the way I've been thinking about it:
"We demolish arguments [posed by Satan against our ultimate goal of glorifying God IN. ALL. THINGS.] and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of [thoughts, focus on] God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ [ERIN!!! GOD DOESN'T WANT YOUR THOUGHTS TO BE TAKEN UP BY FEAR. THAT IS NOT 'OBEDIENT TO CHRIST.']
God is so faithful to us when we cry out to Him.
I just had to share.

Why or What?

I dreamt two nights ago that one of my co-workers asked me either, "Why are you a Christian, Erin?" or "What kind of a Christian are you, Erin?"
I couldn't remember which question she asked as soon as I woke up.
Either way, it troubled me.
Oswald Chambers asks, "Has there been a point in your life which you now mark as your last day? Is there a place in your life to which you go back in memory with humility and overwhelming gratitude, so that you can honestly proclaim, 'Yes, it was then, at my 'white funeral,’ that I made an agreement with God.'"
My last day came in 1998. I had given my life to Christ in our basement on Vine Street at the age of five, and I earnestly believe that I was filled with the Holy Spirit at that time. I do not believe that I began the path to sanctification until 1998, one day in my bedroom in Alabama. The details are not important, but it happened. *Upon further thought, that's a silly thing to say. Of course, I was on the path to sanctification. I don't think I understood its importance until that day in Alabama.
Shortly thereafter, God proved his love to me by opening my eyes (literally) to a spiritual realm beyond my comprehension...and protecting me from it.
Chambers goes on to write,

When we talk about the call of God, we often forget the most important thing, namely, the nature of Him who calls [...] The call is the expression of the nature of the One who calls, and we can only recognize the call if that same nature is in us. The call of God is the expression of God’s nature, not ours. God providentially weaves the threads of His call through our lives, and only we can distinguish them. It is the threading of God’s voice directly to us over a certain concern, and it is useless to seek another person’s opinion of it.
[...]
The call of God is not a reflection of my nature; my personal desires and temperament are of no consideration. As long as I dwell on my own qualities and traits and think about what I am suited for, I will never hear the call of God. [...] The majority of us cannot hear anything but ourselves. And we cannot hear anything God says. But to be brought to the place where we can hear the call of God is to be profoundly changed.

I can see where God has woven the threads of His call through my life from the age of five, to seventeen, to my marriage at 23, and into the growth He has insisted upon in the last eight months as I prepare for my baby.
Over the past year, I've been continually asking..."Who am I in Christ?"
The bottom line? If you ask, God will answer you. It hurts, and it sucks, and it's intensely emotional, but it seems to be satisfying, comforting and RIGHT...I think. I'll let you know.