Praise the Lord for non-stick cooking spray.

Dear Past Erin,
A word of advice:
Don't leave the dough for the rolls in the oven to rise and then take a two-hour nap.
All my love,
Future Erin

Dear Past Erin,

The milk is sour.
In the middle of the night.
This quantifier will make the sour taste much, much worse.
Sincerely yours,
Future Erin
p.s. Throw out the hummus.

Dear Past Erin,

Under no circumstances should you tell your consin's new girlfriend about thrush and it's nasty affect on breastfeeding over tamales at Ol' Mexico.
She will pretend to listen, but actually try to figure out what thrush is while staring at the cilantro caught in your bottom teeth.
Oh, Past Erin, do you remember the days when you talked about things other than your baby?
Me neither.
Sincerely yours,
Future Erin

Dear Past Erin,

While Richard is out of town, you will forget to feed poor Pedro. Not only that, but you will scold him all day for begging.
You are a jerk.
On another note, you will not be able to find the Parmesan cheese to save your life. You will suspect that this has nothing to do with Richard's absence, but will wonder just the same.
Sincerely yours,
Future Erin

p.s. I told you Hillary wouldn't win.

Stop me if you've heard this one...

Dear Past Erin,
Bring more than $60 to Aldi's.
Seriously.
Sincerely,
Future Erin

Dear Past Erin,

Just a couple things.

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???? You are not 21 anymore. You can not stay out all night. Three movies at the drive in?? Are you crazy?

You will suffer tomorrow. Consider yourself warned, moron.

Sincerely yours,

Future Erin

p.s. Don't forget the wipes for the sleeping baby who will need to be changed in between each movie! Oops. Too late.

p.p.s. Batman was AWESOME!!!

S,

E.

Dear Past Erin,

When you get a bug in your knickers to use the spot/steam cleaner to clean the arms and cushions of the couch, you will be horrified to see the brown, no-longer-see-through water coming off of the upholstery.
You will then turn around dump all of the dirty water onto the carpet.
Haha! The reservoir doesn't seal!
Happy cleaning!
Future Erin
p.s. I wish I could warn you further in advance, really, but it's just too funny.

Dear Past Erin,

Your friends and family have been extremely understanding and forgiving to you since the baby was born, but if you don't start brushing your teeth soon, none of them are going to talk to you anymore.
A child is no excuse for poor hygiene.
I'm warning you, brush. your. teeth.
Twice a day.
Every day.
Sincerely yours,
Future Erin

Dear Past Erin,

On April 29, 2008, no matter how tired you are, no matter how many times you were up with the baby, don't start your day with coffee.
Your baby will cry all. day. long.
Switch to decaf.
Trust me--have I ever steered you wrong?
Sincerely yours,
Future Erin

Next Episode

Dear Past Erin,
Snoop Dogg featuring Dr. Dre is never appropriate for the workplace.
Turn your iPod down when you walk away from your desk.
Just trust me.
Sincerely yours,
Future Erin

p.s. What you don't know CAN hurt you. Some of your co-workers are huge fans. Especially the troublesome ones. Just an FYI.
p.p.s. Hold up.

Dear Future Erin,

Where were you today when I was eating cheese popcorn in my white shirt?
You really let me down on that one.
Sincerely,
Present Erin

p.s. We. Are. In. A. Fight.

Dear Past Erin,

You're not going to believe this, but Brett Favre is going to throw infinity interceptions during the playoff game against the Giants, including one in OverTime that will lead to their immediate loss.

Richard will take this very hard.

In fact, when you tell him this loss makes you feel like your cat died, he will tell you that would have been easier to handle.

Don't take it personally. He doesn't mean it.

Sincerely,

Future Erin

p.s. He TOTALLY means it.

Dear Past Erin,

When you get up in the night looking for a snack in the wee hours of January 14, you will spill an open and precariously balanced 1lb bag of M&M's all over the carpeted hallway near the pantry.
This will be a real pain in the ass.
Sincerely,
Future Erin

p.s. Hillary doesn't win, don't worry. But it ain't pretty.

Dear Past Erin,

Do not leave your Omega-3 Fish Oil pills out.
You leave one on your nightstand on the evening of January 9, where the cat finds it, plays with it, knocks it on the floor and shares it with the dog. You are very sad about this.
Sincerely,
Future Erin

p.s. The coffee is poisoned!
p.p.s. The dog will pee in the same spot in your bedroom exactly 438 more times before he is hit by a car, strangely enough, in your own driveway.
-F.E.