Monday, September 08, 2008

In Two: My Own Lament

Warning: This post contains the ugly contents of my heart.

An unexpected song that I had never heard brought me to my knees tonight in the car.
I don't know why, but I guess I thought I was the only one who had the power to tear her husband apart with her words.
I know there are exceptions to this rule, but many men are not able to do as much damage as quickly as I can, and with as little effort. Certainly not Richard.
And why don't we talk about it? When was the last time I said to a girlfriend, "I disrespected my husband today and tore him down in a way that only I can."? I so desire to banish this sort of thing from my attitude toward the man I married, but still, I snarl and snap without thinking twice. More often than I care to admit.
And it's just so commonplace to humiliate and belittle. Women do it ALL. THE. TIME. After it happens, I am embarrassed and disgusted, and have to seek forgiveness from my husband, but still, I'll do it again. Why can't I control my tongue? I long to use my words to build him up--not tear him down.

Here's the song that touched me so much tonight. It's something to think about, anyway:

In Two (The Lament), by Jennifer Knapp
Finish up your coffee, love
it's getting cold
let's finish up this fight tonight
before the sun draws nigh and I'm old

Have mercy on me I'm a girl
though I'm cruel and you cry
I won't shiver cause I know how to break a man
I know how to break a man in two

Still you're suffering, my love
o, who's to blame?
you might be tired,
but I'm not through fanning the flame

Have mercy on me I'm a girl
though I'm cruel and you cry
I won't shiver cause I know how to break a man
I know how to break a man in two

o, by the tiding of my tounge
I lie and sing what can't be unsung
my soul torn in two by the things I say to
you by the things that I say

I know how to break us man, in two


Carla said...

I will talk about it with you. I do it too. In my own pain I lash out at my husband. The guilt I feel, which should lead me to repentance only serves lately to finish him off. It is indeed ugly. I can only cling to the promise that God isn't finished with me yet and that He and Patrick forgive me when I repent.

I love you.

Swampy-Rah said...

He smiles and bears it, doesn't he.
You can hurt us in a way that no one else has permission to.

Kelli said...

And sometimes, saying nothing when something should be said hurts worse.

Swampy-Rah said...

I talked about this with Cheryl; I then found my heart saying. "Men are much more likely to do that than women and in fact, women have gotten so accustomed to it that they often expect it."

Cara said...

I struggle with this too..... Sometimes we hurt the ones we love the most. I would love to talk to you about this sometime..... Maybe we can help each other!

Thanks for posting this.

NoOtherName said...

Wow. That song is amazing.

Here's my confession: I don't struggle so much (usually) with my words towards Brian, but I can go OFF at my sweet kids.

"What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
--Romans 7:24-25

Coffeegirl said...'s often when I am declaring something that is bothering me.....I lack grace and mercy. It is sin and it is ugly. Thanks for the honest post.