Dear Neighbors, Children on Bikes, Couples Walking Dogs, City Employees, and Bunny Rabbits;
My dog hates you.
Or better yet, he loves to hate you.
I am writing to implore you to please, P.L.E.A.S.E. stop walking by our house. Yes, I know our entire backyard faces the street. Yes, I know our home sits wrong on the lot. I know you think you have every right to use the street as you wish.
This is why I come to you on my knees. Please use a different street. Ofxord is very nice. So is Lakeview. Bigger houses, less traffic. Fewer dogs to bark and bark and bark and bark at you as you walk or ride by, or come home in the middle of the night, or leave for work early in the morning, or cut down trees, or eat my tulips.
I'm asking you to make one little allowance for me--for my sanity.
I am aware that at this point, that you probably hate me just as much as Pedro hates you, but believe me. I've tried. I can't make him stop barking. He is absolutely SILENT in the house but as soon as he gets out the door it's like he turns into a different dog. A territorial obnoxious beast. A miserable cur. The swollen tonsil of my tranquility. A lump on the breast of my happiness.
We could keep him in the house more, you're right. But then he barfs on the floor, or "piddles" in the corner, or attacks the cat. You understand, don't you, that he needs to spend quality time outside every day?
So, please, dear friends and bunny rabbits. Please. just. go. a. way.
We'll all be a lot happier if there is just less, overall, to bark at.
Don't you agree?
I appreciate your time and consideration on this matter.
Sincerely,
Erin
p.s. Whoever keeps throwing him whole bratwursts over the fence, please stop. It's not funny anymore.
7 comments:
Get a shock collar--worked wonders on the 'dward.
I meant a TRAINING collar...sorry Pedro. Stop barking at me!
I smell what yer steppin' in- I try to explain to people that Frito is really a sweet, quiet little dog when they are not around...
But, Brandy, does anybody throw weiners at/to your dog? I wasn't kidding about that last part. Our neighbor is a German immigrant who loves sausage and doesn't see any problem with feeding my 16lb dog a brat or two.
A multiple-choice equation for you:
16lb dog + bratwurst =
a. A very busy dog.
b. A very sick dog.
c. A very big mess.
d. All of the above.
You know, I love dogs. Really, I do. But the noise is too much. And the poo. Find me a mute dog that uses a toilet, and I'm all over it.
How about presenting the neighbor with a bag of poo? Tell him you're just paying him back for his generosity.
well, maybe he believes that nothing says love like random animal parts stuffed into an intestine an boiled in beer.
He may really be loving you in his own Kraut way. (I can legally thrown this slur, because I am half german. I can also say Mick and drunk irisher)
I know, it's terrible, erin, but really it sounds like he's trying to be friendly (I bet those sausages are not cheap) a friendly neighbor is really hard to come by. You may have to take it as a sign of love, like we do when Kristi sneaks our dogs people food. She's just being a grandma.
If only you lived in Hudson instead of Roseville, you could bring Pedro over to play-dates with the Felton Hounds. Have you tried greasing the sidewalk to keep people away? I'm a master at alienating and keeping-away. Pedro does not understand the limits of his responsibilities. Take him out and show him where your yard ends?
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