Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Nets

(19)“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”
(20) At once they left their nets and followed him.
-Matthew 4:19-20

I'm not sure if many of you have noticed, but I haven't had much to say lately.
I've been in a bit of a funk.
I confess, lonliness, sadness and fear have been my frequent companions here at home.
I knew what was bothering me, but not why it was bothering me so much.
Shirley Jean is ready for solids. Rice cereal.
Now...this is not a big deal. I know. But for some reason, I am really struggling with this milestone. And now I think I know why.
Mid-breakdown tonight, I said to Richard, "I just didn't expect this to be so painful."
He said, "You didn't expect WHAT to be so painful?"
I said, "I watch her grow and change every day, and every day she is getting further away from me."
As I laid on our bed in a pile of tissues, I thought to myself, "God doesn't ever have to feel this way. It's not fair."
What a stupid thing to think. God watches us move further away from him all the time. Some very, very far. Some wander away and wander back. If doing my job as a mother is this agonizing...how much more must it hurt God when we insist on our independence from him? I mean, my job is to help her become independent from me and dependent on God, right?
I think God is allowing me to feel this pain as a reminder of his love for me. He wants me near and wholly dependent on him. He wants me inside of him, just like I long to put my little girl back inside of me where the pain of this broken world can't hurt her.
It further occurs to me that a Wife of Noble Character would not allow herself to be bogged down with sadness and anxiety only to waste time with her precious child. She does not eat the bread of idleness. Nor is she afraid--she can laugh at the days to come! A noble wife would find joy in the development of her thriving baby and celebrate the milestones that increase her independence so that she will one day go out into the world, fully dependent on God, and make fishers of men.
I hope I can remember what God has taught me tonight on that first day of school, on prom night, in her first dorm room, and on her wedding day.
I am caught in a net of my own creation. I will leave it behind and follow Him who so lovingly sustains me.
Will it get easier? I highly doubt it.

p.s. He is especially fond of you.

12 comments:

kathaleend said...

You have touched my heart. I can feel your emotions through your words and I thank God for the things you teach me. You are a gifted writer and God will use you to reach many. lovemom

kristi noser said...

Ohmygoodness. Girl, you have one of the softest hearts I have ever known and I love it.
You just slapped me upside the head and I thank you!

Swampy-Rah said...

The only thing better than holding your baby girl is when you are sitting on the couch and she walks up, crawls into your lap and holds you because "you are the best daddy ever."

I have abundant, clear memories of my kids as babies. Here's the cool part: My friends have babies that I can hold and cuddle; that connect with me; that I get to watch grow. SJ is one of those precious babies and I treasure the moments when she is near with her parents, hangin' out and filling our house with family.

angie said...

oh erin, you've been thinking big thoughts. i hope and pray that this realization will make little SJ's future days more joyful and less fearful for you. you love her so, so much, and she so, so knows it.

Kara Jo said...

Erin, once again, thank you for sharing your thoughts and your heart. It is so very bittersweet when we watch our children move through those milestones. They tug at my heart, too. I love the parallels you drew about how it is with God and us--His children. You are gifted.

Andrea said...

Thank you for writing that. :) I hope I remember it one day when I hopefully have my own babies. :)

Carla said...

Beautiful and bittersweet. Thanks, Erin.

Jodi said...

Stop making me cry.

Katie R. said...

Beautifully said. SJ is one blessed girl to have a mommy like you.

kristi noser said...

I think you and I have a lunch date on SJ's first day of Kindergarten.
Barkers.
We'll have lunch with Mike and Morgan, ifyaknowwhatimean.

Katie R. said...

Ha! I love those guys! ;)

Abigail said...

I just found you via Blogtations - I agree with the whole bathing suit thing, 'cept I've had mine since college, not last year! (We won't mention how many years ago college was.) And I know how you feel about milestones - my second son has just turned 4 months and is already ROLLING OVER! And teething. And wanting to MOVE, trying to crawl. Oh my lands.

By the way, loved your P.S. and The Shack reference. :)