Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I know why the caged bird sings.

Dear One Particular Co-Worker,
This note is going to be very forward, because so far subtleties have escaped you.
You have grown overly troublesome.
In fact, so troublesome that I'm not sure you're worth the...trouble.
I am about to start being mean to you.
Yesterday you visited my desk SEVEN times. Today, it's only been four, but I'm pretty sure that when you came to my desk to stretch your back (remember when you leaned on my cube and literally stretched?) and I looked at you like you were a complete fool, you got the idea that four times is enough.
Let's just cut to the chase: perhaps you could just come by once a day. Or even better, how about you only come by if you absolutely need something, which, by my record has not been since November.
In response to future conversation topics:
-It's cool that your baby needed a diaper change last night.
-No, there is nothing that I need from your baby stuff.
-Yes, it looks pretty cold outside.
-My pregnancy is still going just fine. It hasn't changed much since this morning. Or yesterday, for that matter.
-I'm glad you printed something.
-No thanks, I already have lunch plans--forever.
-No, you cannot have my cell phone number. It is not a work phone number.
I feel that at this point I should let you know that I have changed my regular route from the door to my desk so as to avoid anything completely stupid that you might say to me as I pass by. The extra steps are worth it.
I appreciate that you have never touched me, really. If you should happen to feel the need, my husband will have something to say to you, as will Swamp-Man.
Please back off, dude.
I don't know what gave you the impression that I liked you. Honestly, I can't remember doing anything that would make you think I wanted to talk.
Lest you should think this letter is tongue-in-cheek, I would like to return your attention to the top of this letter and remind you that subtleties have failed. Don't fool yourself. I'm not bantering.

p.s. The next time you tease me about being pregnant, I retort, and then you say, "Ohhh, don't mess with the pregnant girl!" I will not be held responsible for my actions. Consider yourself warned.
p.p.s I borderline hate you.
p.p.p.s. Only borderline because it's wrong to hate.


Carla Stream said...

Back off, Dwight!!

-V- said...

This is a GUY? Boundaries. Seriously. Unless he actually reads your blog, you might want to consider printing him a copy... yikes!

Swampy-Rah said...

Here's my recommendation:

1. buy him a package of fly paper strips from Fleetfarm; tell him "These are for your chair, so that your ass stays there."

2. Get him a mirror. Tell him "This is your friend; talk to him whenever you have the urge to cubicle-hop"

3. The next time he shows up at your desk, sniff the air, look confused; check the garbage can then the bottoms of your shoes. At that point, pretend you just noticed him there, then say "Aha, that's what I smell, go away."

4. Invite Swampy to work one day for lunch and I'll loudly and grotesquely accuse him of pinching my ass.

These, in concert, will work.

Swampy-Rah said...

Oh, I forgot this one:

4. Steal something from the boss' office and leave it conspicuously on his desk.

5. Buy him a carton of Fleet Enemas; say "Your mom stopped by left these for you."

Swirlingeddy said...

How fortunate you are to have such an opportunity to have your character formed into the likeness of Christ and view others through the lens of grace.

Kelli said...


angie said...

eeek! i wish you grace. and a strong backhand.

-V- said...

Ed, Ed, Ed...

kristi noser said...

Ed, be careful, Erin could turn you into Swirly-eddy.

erin said...

Swampy, I like #4.
Ed, Shut up.

LauraLynn said...

Wow. Them's fighting words.
I seriously thought you were talking about a girl co-worker!
I was going to suggest she might be lonely- or a lesbo. Eeeks, but it's a guy?! Casually mention your husband has an uncontrolable temper and a black belt in Martial Arts. Or maybe put tacks on his chair? A puddle of super glue?

erin said...

A lesbo! LOL. Too funny.
He hasn't been over today. Is it possible that he reads my blog???
It's interesting that you guys all thought it was a girl initially. That's the biggest reason that it's so FREAKING weird. I'm starting to think he has a thing for pregnant chicks.

LauraLynn said...

I just got to thinking that!
I heard that some guys really get the hots for pregnant women, being that he just had a baby- and his woman is no longer prego- could he have round belly's on the mind?

Coffeegirl said...

I say, sick Ed on him. Swampy..you scare me. But, I'm glad you're on our side.
Ed..you made my day. I'm still chuckling..sorry, Erin.
I love you, girl.

Swampy-Rah said...

But Coffeegirl, I could make him cry at work!

Lauralynn, I'll bet his own 'baby' is a fabrication so that he can talk about pregnancy.

I could have his police record checked...

erin said...

Swampy, go nuts.

Kelli said...

I'm dyin' here!

Swampy could drive by his house late at night...several times...with his lights off and the deer spotter on...