Mom was thrilled to see me use my degree to write dialogue for Bubba. Go figure.
Bubba: played by Kristi.
Store Manager: Played by Kristen.
Elvira: Played by yours truly.
Dragnet team: Marjie and Dawne.
[Setting: Wal-Mart parking lot near a beat up pick up truck.]
Bubba (looking in truck window): Well dip me in honey and call me a corndog! I'll be codswalloped! My skunk-skin cap! It's gone! Stolen! MY SKUNK SKIN CAP! Ooh...Elvira...!
(Fuming, Bubba walks back toward Wal-Mart.)
Bubba (to store manager): My skunk-skin cap's gone-a-missin' from my truck. Find me Elvira! That low-life, liver-lickin cap thief took it. I just know it. She's always been jealous of my skunk-skin cap!
Store Manager: Sir, Elvira couldn't'a took yer cap! She's been runnin' the registers all day.
Bubba: Nosiree. That elfish, eatin'-everythin' ELEPHANT WOMAN took it! She's been out to get me ever since I spurned her advances!
Store Manager (sighs over intercom): Elvira, report to customer service. (Looks at Bubba.) Immediately. (To self,) Perhaps I should call the po-lice.
[Elvira and Dragnet arrive at Customer Service at the same time.]
Bubba: Good timin'! Officer, arrest this she-devil!
Elvira: What?! What on earth for?! I been here with Jed 'n' Wanda all day. I ain't even had my smoke break yet! (Rubs pregnant belly.)
Bubba: Smoke break! Pah! You got cheez whiz all over yer face! Where you been?! I know! Stealin' my skunk-skin cap!
[All cast members gasp. Elvira wipes at her face.]
Elvira: Well, I was...hungry. But I ain't touched no hat.
Bubba: I know it was you, you cap-keepin, cold-collared, skunk-skin lover. I luhrved that cap!
Detective Marjie: Just the facts sir. Just stick to the facts.
Deputy Dawne: Don't worry, everyone. I'm sure we'll get to the bottom of thi--
Detective Marjie: Just the facts! Stick to the facts! Why don't you take us to the scene of the crime?
Bubba: With JUBLIATION, I will take you to the scene of the crime! (Scowls at Elvira.)
[The group moves toward the pick-up truck where the Dragnet team spots the cap on top of the truck.]
DM: Can you please describe the cap?
Bubba: Oh, I luhrved that cap! I skinned the skunk after I et it. I mean, I skinned it, then I et it, then I tanned the hide to make the most beautiful cap!
DM: Just the facts, sir. Where was the cap last seen?
Bubba: Right thar! In that thar pick up truck. In the back seat!
DM: It sounds to me like you are describing the top of the truck! (Triumphantly grabs cap.)
Bubba: Well ain't it obvious? That pilferin'-plottin' PILL of a woman planted my skunk skin cap on top-a-my truck thar!
DM (ignoring Bubba): Elvira, would you like to press charges for false accusations?
(Deputy Dawne moves toward Bubba to arrest.)
Elvira: No, I don't believe I will. I can forgive Bubba fer hurtin' my feelin's even if he don't deserve it.
[All cast members gasp in surprise.]
Bubba: Well smack my bottom and call me a waitress, I don't believe it.
13 comments:
HA HA!!! This is a great, fun story! Nicely done :) Thanks for making me smile on a Monday!
That's great Erin! Marjie is perfect in the Dragnet role.
Too fun!!
Can I hire you to write a skit for Latte someday? I pay in chocolate.
Absolutely! I can't garauntee that it'll be at this quality level...
That's really good. Did you do the skit just for fun? Are you writing a book yet? I've read all the ones I want to read for now and need something new. Are you working on something? Huh, huh are ya? :)
oh i wish i could have seen that :)
it was really funny!
That skit was sooooo funny! I especially liked the maternity pants with the shirt tied to the side:)
Sarah
Oh, and the waitress line:)
Sarah
Good job E! How did you find time sleep 12 hours a night, quilt AND write a skit?!? Now that's talent!
I'm tellin' ya, that last line was a corker!
I'm can't believe I'm not even in the pictures!!!!:P First only one line, and now this!!!!!
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